The Beginning: My Why

Shame, guilt, hopelessness, the longing to drift into an eternal rest to escape the seemingly insurmountable pain of life and living. I have been there and faced my depression alone for the most part. My journey began in 2009 after attending a suicide awareness walk. I wanted to begin to bring closure and deal with my father’s suicide and to heal from my own attempt as a teenager. These were among many unresolved issues of my past. I would be forced to unpack the things that I had stuffed in my emotional attic. I would learn and experience what an anxiety attack would feel like. Little did I know that in seeking peace, I would be forced to face a storm. When I started my walk, I wanted it to be over quickly because I wanted to “get over” it and was therefore impatient. Needless to say, my first attempt at counseling was frustrating and made me think that I might have been better off leaving the stuff locked in the attic. It was too late. Like clothes streaming out of an overstuffed suitcase, the pains of my past refuse to be locked away. Thus began my journey through major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress.
I am not at the end of my journey, but I am at a place of peace and acceptance. I have accepted my emotional scars and am at peace in the knowledge of their healing. I am grateful to have true friends who listened when I needed to dump and comforted when necessary. They did not feel the need to give advice or tell me to “get over it.” They showed me compassion, care, and love. I have also spent (and still do) time on the “couch” talking through things. Like spring-cleaning, I have deliberately unpacked, examined, and let go of each trauma. The hardest and most challenging part of my walk is the work I have to do by myself, revisiting events, and feeling those emotions in a safe and healthy way, then processing through reflection.
I am not an expert, simply someone who is willing to share her journey. It is my hope that others who have similar experiences will be encouraged to seek professional help or reach out to a close friend. Ultimately, I hope to help reduce the stigma surrounding mental health and encourage open dialogue so no one suffers alone.